Evening Sky

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Evening.

Jupiter low in the east.

Venus low in the west.

Went back inside and drew a tarot card: 7 of wands, upright: courage against the odds.

So we have love and war in opposition: distant from each other but still squared off and dominating the sky around them.

And we have encouragement: both that we will need courage and that we have the resources to face the coming troubles.

New Information

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Awhile back, I was in a crappy marriage and had premonitions of my husband’s death. Later, I perceived black void energy around his liver. He refused to go to the doctor. I didn’t push. There were many other problems to tackle. Eventually, we split. A couple months after I left, he had a serious injury to his back that required emergency surgery. During that surgery, they discovered Stage 4 liver cancer. He woke up from the surgery with 6 months to learn to walk and 6 months to live. He lived 9 months.

I wouldn’t have wished that on anybody, not even him despite all the awful sabotage he created.

Since then, I sometimes see that dark energy in people’s bodies. I usually get to talking to them if I can. If they are seeing a doctor, I leave it at that. If they are not, I encourage them to do so if they seem open to the idea.

Last weekend, I was visiting friends at an instructors’ seminar. One of the dearest of the group had congestive heart failure a few months ago. He keeps saying he’s better, on the mend, improving, it wasn’t that bad.

But I saw that black void energy curling into his heart muscle, and I think he has less than a year to live. For the first half an hour of being in the room with him, the impression was so strong I had difficulty concentrating on the martial arts. A friend asked me if I was ok, and I told him the truth. Those two are long-term tight friends and lying doesn’t protect anyone.

The gentleman is seeing a doctor. He does say the experience has him planning for his family’s future in ways that assume his presence is an unknown variable. He is telling people he loves them and appreciates them. He’s saying he’s had a good run and loves his life.

He doesn’t need me to tell him a thing, except the obvious: he is loved, respected, appreciated, and I am glad of his presence in my life.

Ow.

Premonitions

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So 10 years ago, I met a friend mentioned here in this blog. She said she wasn’t very good at visiting other people, and I said, “Just visit me once a year at my place, otherwise in 8 years I’ll decide you’re selfish and shallow and that will be the end of it.” We were really good friends for 8 years until two years ago when it all went down exactly as I had predicted. Sigh. This isn’t unusual.

 

Twelve years ago, I started a new job and met another new recruit who I found very attractive. I soon found out he was engaged and felt rather disappointed. Intuition said, “It’s ok. In 10 or 12 years, he’ll be divorced and you two will have a chance to know each other well.”  In this case, “know each other well” meant “develop a relationship beyond professional limits unfettered by imposed sociological limits of others.” Specifically neither including or excluding romantic attachment or sex. Specifically including ongoing free expression of human connection on tems appropriate at the time.

 

We worked together for several years, often on yard duty together chatting, always reserved about the parts of our mutual appreciation that were sociologically inexpressible for honest people who don’t like to make emotional messes.

 

He was divorced about two years ago.

 

Today, since I am in town and he recently crossed paths unexpectedly at a convention with my daughter and other dear (also unexpectedly mutual) friends, we decided to meet this weekend. We skipped lunch or a stroll in a museum and decided I’d come over and help him patch a leaky roof. I am ridiculously pleased for a chance to feed a connection with a dear intelligent respectful interesting comrade. Though the working-together plan may be incendiary, since the dazzling real me appears quickly in those contexts.

 

My one true love is a long way away and married. He and I will probably have an honest chance during this lifetime and will certainly get a chance in future lives. All other relationships I have tried have utterly failed to be him. I will stubbornly hold space for that honest chance, though I expect it will be years until then.

 

But I’m still going to help fix that roof this weekend with lifelong friendship and a naughty spark in mind.

 

Foreboding

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Be careful out there, folks. One could say this any day, of course, and it would be true for probably more than half of you.

Deep sadness in Mammoth yesterday affecting dozens of people. I get the feeling one of our well-loved 1,500 passed away and a few families are having to reorganize to cope with the change. Elder male with long-term health problems exacerbated by stubbornness and difficulty interacting with medical services.

Bless his heart and peace to all.