Premonitions

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So 10 years ago, I met a friend mentioned here in this blog. She said she wasn’t very good at visiting other people, and I said, “Just visit me once a year at my place, otherwise in 8 years I’ll decide you’re selfish and shallow and that will be the end of it.” We were really good friends for 8 years until two years ago when it all went down exactly as I had predicted. Sigh. This isn’t unusual.

 

Twelve years ago, I started a new job and met another new recruit who I found very attractive. I soon found out he was engaged and felt rather disappointed. Intuition said, “It’s ok. In 10 or 12 years, he’ll be divorced and you two will have a chance to know each other well.”  In this case, “know each other well” meant “develop a relationship beyond professional limits unfettered by imposed sociological limits of others.” Specifically neither including or excluding romantic attachment or sex. Specifically including ongoing free expression of human connection on tems appropriate at the time.

 

We worked together for several years, often on yard duty together chatting, always reserved about the parts of our mutual appreciation that were sociologically inexpressible for honest people who don’t like to make emotional messes.

 

He was divorced about two years ago.

 

Today, since I am in town and he recently crossed paths unexpectedly at a convention with my daughter and other dear (also unexpectedly mutual) friends, we decided to meet this weekend. We skipped lunch or a stroll in a museum and decided I’d come over and help him patch a leaky roof. I am ridiculously pleased for a chance to feed a connection with a dear intelligent respectful interesting comrade. Though the working-together plan may be incendiary, since the dazzling real me appears quickly in those contexts.

 

My one true love is a long way away and married. He and I will probably have an honest chance during this lifetime and will certainly get a chance in future lives. All other relationships I have tried have utterly failed to be him. I will stubbornly hold space for that honest chance, though I expect it will be years until then.

 

But I’m still going to help fix that roof this weekend with lifelong friendship and a naughty spark in mind.

 

Foreboding

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Be careful out there, folks. One could say this any day, of course, and it would be true for probably more than half of you.

Deep sadness in Mammoth yesterday affecting dozens of people. I get the feeling one of our well-loved 1,500 passed away and a few families are having to reorganize to cope with the change. Elder male with long-term health problems exacerbated by stubbornness and difficulty interacting with medical services.

Bless his heart and peace to all.

You’re clinging to a thread…

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For an adult male clinging to a last thread – your life, your expectations, your luck, your relationships, your housing and job security are all down the drain. You’re not sure how it all happened, and you’re sure you don’t deserve this much suffering over your actions. It’s unlikely you’ll see this post unless you’re using the local library to stay connected.
You’re trying to figure out how to learn something from all this, get back to normal, and stay there debt-free.
But a well-meaning and businesslike person of about your age and background is loyal to his business and determined to see you pay for what he believes is fairly your responsibility.
The best advice is to focus on fulfilling your responsibility and on finding wholeness and contentment for your self without the spend-spend-spend emotional patch.  Give up caring what you think they think you’re worth in cash. Develop your internal resources of character. Get your mind, body, and spirit aligned toward any positive goal.
Remember a new sense of vitality, confidence, and spiritual understanding (you scoff now, but you won’t later) is within reach for you. That path isn’t marked; if it were, you’d still probably miss the signs. First you have to learn to see new signs. Then you can begin trekking. The transition to being a man of substance is going to be arduous. Then again, you’re going to be a lot happier and more whole when you’re through.

At war & at rock bottom

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For: A young person whose stillness and considerable mental powers are totally (and uncharacteristically) unequal to the mess you’re in.
Most of your cards are tumbling and most of them are swords. In general, you feel at war with reality. Nothing is going as you planned and you can’t steer events the way you wish.

Trying to: manage a determined and forceful male personality about your age who feels right when he creates conflict.
But crossed by: a depressing sense of hitting rock bottom and experiencing these events as the totality of your world.
Best Advice: Getting out of this mess involves sacrifice of familiar family behavior patterns, revising value systems, and seeing your situation from a new, more “big picture” perspective.
Remember: There will be news that changes the situation and upon which you must take action. Choose to step away from old patterns that aren’t working and try something new.  You might have to let this young man in your family make costly mistakes and love him nonjudgmentally in spite of his need to learn the hard way. Meditation and puzzles or other logical pursuits might help you regain your stillness and mental acuity.