So 10 years ago, I met a friend mentioned here in this blog. She said she wasn’t very good at visiting other people, and I said, “Just visit me once a year at my place, otherwise in 8 years I’ll decide you’re selfish and shallow and that will be the end of it.” We were really good friends for 8 years until two years ago when it all went down exactly as I had predicted. Sigh. This isn’t unusual.
Twelve years ago, I started a new job and met another new recruit who I found very attractive. I soon found out he was engaged and felt rather disappointed. Intuition said, “It’s ok. In 10 or 12 years, he’ll be divorced and you two will have a chance to know each other well.” In this case, “know each other well” meant “develop a relationship beyond professional limits unfettered by imposed sociological limits of others.” Specifically neither including or excluding romantic attachment or sex. Specifically including ongoing free expression of human connection on tems appropriate at the time.
We worked together for several years, often on yard duty together chatting, always reserved about the parts of our mutual appreciation that were sociologically inexpressible for honest people who don’t like to make emotional messes.
He was divorced about two years ago.
Today, since I am in town and he recently crossed paths unexpectedly at a convention with my daughter and other dear (also unexpectedly mutual) friends, we decided to meet this weekend. We skipped lunch or a stroll in a museum and decided I’d come over and help him patch a leaky roof. I am ridiculously pleased for a chance to feed a connection with a dear intelligent respectful interesting comrade. Though the working-together plan may be incendiary, since the dazzling real me appears quickly in those contexts.
My one true love is a long way away and married. He and I will probably have an honest chance during this lifetime and will certainly get a chance in future lives. All other relationships I have tried have utterly failed to be him. I will stubbornly hold space for that honest chance, though I expect it will be years until then.
But I’m still going to help fix that roof this weekend with lifelong friendship and a naughty spark in mind.